Unfortunate Afflictions
by muppethands
Summary: In which Elsa's into women and the various suitors lining up at her door just don't get the hint.


The first prince was, in a word, disgusting.

Even if she had liked men, Elsa was sure she would have turned him down anyway.

The prince was regal enough in appearance, wearing a decorated uniform of finely woven cloth, a trimmed goatee, and his boots were polished to the point that they reflected Elsa's office ceiling down to every minute detail. His hair looked greasy, however, and he gave off an odd, subtle odor that made the servant announcing him take several bewildered steps back.

Regardless, Elsa straighted her shoulders and stood from her desk to greet him.

"Prince Adrian, thank you so much for visiting. This castle hasn't seen fine guests in many years."

He smiled politely and duly returned the greeting. It took all of Elsa's years of formal training not to wrinkle her nose and gag as she whiffed his breath.

They sat and talked, and it went downhill from there.

His fingernails could host a garden underneath with the amount dirt caked there. He picked his teeth and rubbed at his nose when he thought she wasn't looking. He slicked his hair back with saliva. Elsa was pretty sure he'd also silently passed gas once or twice; the foul stench still fading from the air certainly hadn't come from her.

Kristoff did most of those things, she realized, but at least he made it somehow endearing and he wasn't so rude as to do it in a castle. Only outside, which was fortunate for him Anna. Elsa might have banished the ice harvester from the kingdom if he'd shown himself to have fewer manners. As it stood, she was perilously close to doing just that with this supposed prince who lacked any sense of decorum. And personal hygiene.

"Arendelle is beautiful," he said, flicking crud out of his eye. "I'd love to see more of the kingdom."

Elsa saw the invitation, and didn't appreciate it. Her old mantra was worming its way through her mind again, albeit slightly revised.

Conceal, don't feel... Don't let him know how absolutely disgusted you are.

You're not Anna. You're not into this kind of guy. Or any guy at all, for that matter. You're not even into this kind of girl.

Elsa was pretty accepting of quirks, but there was a limit.

"I wish I could see more of it myself as well," she replied with forced propriety, standing and smoothing a few imaginary wrinkles out of her dress. Prince Adrian stood as well, at least knowing to follow the suit of one who outranked him. "Unfortunately, a good deal of my work requires me to stay here in the castle. Treaties, trade agreements, the like. I'm up to my neck in paperwork and really ought to be getting back to it."

If Prince Adrian was offended by the sudden obvious dismissal, he did a fine job of hiding it. He merely bowed, kissed her hand, then excused himself with an apology for taking up the Queen's time and glided out the door.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Elsa wiped her hand on her dress and retched.

This was going to be harder than she thought.

* * *

><p>The next suitor, the son of a duke from Germany, was quite the opposite. Whereas Adrian had not seemed to care about his stately appearance at all, this man, Wohlfrom, was almost painfully self-obsessed. He carried a pocket mirror and comb with him, for one. But at least the rose-scented perfume he sprayed on himself every ten minutes was a welcome reprieve from Adrian's oppressive stench.<p>

Wohlfrom was so clean and polished he seemed to emit light, like the sun reflecting off glass. His smile literally sparkled, and Elsa was admittedly a bit dazzled for a moment before collecting herself and inviting him into her study.

Once the conversation began, Wohlfrom proved himself not just vain but conceited in the head as well. Every topic they discussed he managed to turn into stories of his exploits. The queen could hardly get a word in once he got going.

"I understand completely why you love winter, Your Majesty. Why, just last year I was hunting in the Alps during the winter..."

"And with that, I saved the princess of Denmark from certain demise."

"There was a parade thrown in my honor, of course."

"My mother would very much like me to find a wife that suits my stature..."

_ I'm not the right one for you, honey_, Elsa said inwardly.

Turns out she didn't even have to try very hard to get rid of him. Wohlfrom was displeased with the amount of compliments he recieved from the queen, or lack thereof. He left Arendelle of his own accord, citing Elsa's rudeness and lack of gratitude for his presence as his reason for departing.

It worked out rather nicely, she thought.

* * *

><p>The prince after that was a small, terrified-looking boy of barely fifteen. He was shown into a distracted Elsa's study and only just managed to stammer his way through a greeting.<p>

Elsa hardly glanced up from her paperwork. "Get out."

Looking relieved, he did.

* * *

><p>And so the cycle went on. Rather than just telling them outright her preferences in potential romance, Elsa stored up a list of reasons why she turned each suitor down. She figured that way was simpler, even though she really would like countries to start sending women instead. Maybe it wasn't the best plan, but if anyone asked, this was what she had.<p>

One shied just short of calling her a wicked witch because of her powers. He'd probably been at the coronation, though Elsa didn't remember him.

One, like Adrian, had repulsive body odor (but at least the rest of him was well-groomed).

There were two more under the age of eighteen. Those were no-gos from the start.

There was a welcome reprieve with one who wasn't even a suitor, just a delegate prince from a place called Falena who made it clear, to ease the tension on both sides, that he was betrothed already. Elsa actually liked this one; it was so much easier to discuss trade agreements with someone who wasn't eyeing her up and down.

"You're sure finding a lot of reasons to not like these guys," Anna said. She and Elsa were crowded on Anna's bed, surrounded by a vat of chocolate and several bowls of dippable fruits. Every time things piled up on Elsa she and her sister had a sleepover, so they could both unwind. Well, Anna was perpetually unwound, so her role these nights was mainly support and comedic relief.

Elsa bit into a strawberry with more than intended force. "Some you'd think weren't even princes at all! How were they raised?"

Anna made a sympathetic noise. "You were pretty much raised in your room and you still turned out fine."

"Exactly!" The young queen flopped back on the pile of pillows. "They just keep coming, though! How many eligible men of high standing are there in the world?"

"I feel like the people sending suitors would have a lot more luck if they just started sending girls instead."

There was a long beat of silence.

"...What?"

"Well you like girls, right?"

Elsa sat up and gave her sister a look of pure bemusement. "How do you even know that?" There were certain things a Queen shared with people, and then there was that. She hadn't ever thought to bring it up with Anna before.

Anna scoffed. "I'm not blind, Elsa."

"And...you're okay with it?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" the redhead shrugged. "I love you no matter what, and I've had a while to adjust to the thought anyway. I saw you making eyes at the daughter of that Arabic sultan when they came to visit our parents a while back."

Elsa stared. "We were always kept at opposite ends of the room, and you were twelve."

Another shrug. "Doesn't mean I didn't see it."

"Alright, well...yes, you're right. I do like girls, as you said."

"That explains why you keep turning even the alright suitors down."

"The alright suitors do have the unfortunate affliction of being male, indeed."

The girls giggled, and Elsa thought of how nice it was to finally spend time with her sister like this again. It was a thought she had often. She allowed herself to revel in the bliss of the moment before going back to the topic at hand.

Anna beat her to it. "So what are you gonna do?" she asked, licking chocolate off her fingers. "I mean, everyone will expect you to get married at some point, and all those guys aren't going to take no for an answer forever."

"I know," Elsa sighed. "But I'd really not like to marry a man. I suppose I've just been hoping I'd luck out and someone would finally send a princess instead."

"I can help ward some off for you."

The queen cracked a grin at that. "Hopefully that won't be necessary, but you can have your fun if it is."

Anna whooped.

"So long as you don't cause some sort of international incident. We've come dangerously close to that before and I'd like to try and avoid that."

"I gotcha, sister." Anna's eyes sparkled with excitement. "Good luck with 'em anyway! I'm rooting for you!"

* * *

><p><em>What a lech.<em>

That was Elsa's first thought upon meeting Lord Guillame from France. After exchanging trivial greetings, and having her beauty complimented in various ways, his eyes rarely stayed on her face and instead took lengthy trips to her chest and legs. She was just glad she wasn't wearing her ice dress and instead one more appropriate for court and official matters.

She was just fortunate to have Anna in the room this time. While Guillame was busy staring at a portion of her body that was not her face, Elsa looked over his head at her sister, who was conspicuiously organizing the same bookshelf for an excuse to stick around.

Anna gave her a disbelieving look. _Does he know how obvious he's being?_

_ Help me_, Elsa mouthed back.

Anna nodded determinedly. And within the next five minutes, when Elsa and Guillame stepped out of the study to go observe the spring gardens, they were interrupted by a stampeding reindeer charging through the halls. Following the reindeer (who went by the name of Sven, naturally) was an animated talking snowman, a large blond man urgently hurrying after, and a particularly devious red-haired princess.

Elsa easily stepped out of the way. Guillame was not so fortunate; to avoid being trampled by the curious party who kept veering towards him for whatever reason he had to turn and take off running. He wound up being chased out of the castle, through the gates, down the streets of Arendelle, and to the docks where his ship awaited.

He did not return.

* * *

><p>Having decided to swear off suitors for the time being, Elsa enjoyed a rather lovely grace period after the reindeer incident, which in no way did she instigate, no matter what Guillame said. She was quite pleased with the amount of work she managed to get done during the two weeks before the final interruption.<p>

The interruption was surprisingly not terrible, and it went like this:

She was in her office doing paperwork, and apparently overlooked the notice that would have informed her of the arrival of a representative from a desert country in the east. She looked up when Gerda knocked on her door and said, "Your Majesty, there is a...suitor here to see you. Shall I show them in?"

"Oh no," Elsa groaned. "I've had quite enough of suitors, thank you."

Gerda looked sympathetic. "I'm afraid this one insists."

The queen sighed. "Then I suppose it can't be helped. Show them in, and get Anna on standby just in case."

Two minutes later, a tall, dark-haired woman strode in and introduced herself as Princess Melek of the Eastern Emirates.

"...Oh," Elsa said simply. "Well. I take back everything I just said."


End file.
